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Wordpress, backend Really nasty code I'm sure but stuck with it at the moment.... suggestions?

Am I the only one who feels sad for Apache? I mean really it's a long long time I've been flaying that flag... not that sad though... sad... that's when my "I think I can, I think I can) chugger of a vps attempts to serve a page request on my WP LMS... (I don't have to spell that one out here do...